


What do you do?

by KairiasYami2



Series: 500 Words A Day [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, not really a story but I needed to write this down somewhere, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:20:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24346408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KairiasYami2/pseuds/KairiasYami2
Summary: I'm in a funk and needed a place to share my feelings and thoughts before exploding.(Day 2 of '500 word challenge' I'm doing with myself.)
Series: 500 Words A Day [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1756213





	What do you do?

Prompt: Bummer 

(and also me being sad)

* * *

How do you live? How do you make yourself smile when sometimes you just want to sink into an ocean of your own tears and never come out? How do you keep moving forward when every step feels like the world itself is weighing you down and your head is so clouded with nothing that productivity seems like a pretty myth? How do you exist when everything around you feels gray and meaningless?

How do you enjoy yourself when everything you hold dear fails to make you happy for longer than a few moments at a time?

What do you do when you lie in bed and try and get yourself to move, to go about your daily tasks, but fail because what’s the point? Or worse, when you can’t get yourself out of bed and there’s nothing to do and nowhere to go, so you lie there, but instead of relaxing you’re filled with self-loathing and anxiety because you’re not doing anything, you’re not being productive, you’re being useless, but those feelings aren’t enough to get you out of bed, and so you hate yourself just a little bit more. 

What are you supposed to do when your very body feels wrong, feels alien? When it’s uncomfortable and ugly and you want it, you _ need _ it to change but you can’t because you don’t deserve it, you’re not allowed. It’s not that bad. Other people have it worse. So your feelings - while valid - need to be pushed aside. You can ignore it. You don’t want to be a burden to anyone. 

(What do you do when pushing aside your feelings for so long makes them worse, and when you finally have time to sit and reflect and examine yourself you get drowned in a flood of negativity that you’ve never allowed yourself to feel before now? What do you do to stay afloat?)

What do you do when you have dreams and desires and enough passion to set the world ablaze, but a self-esteem so small that an ant would have trouble finding it? What do you do when your life’s goal - the thing that you have been working towards for as long as you’ve been able to conceptualize it - feels so far away and impossible? What do you do?

What  _ can _ you do?

It’s...really a bummer.

I mean...can you believe there are people out there who don’t experience these feelings? Who can decide to do something, and then not struggle to find the motivation to do it? Who don’t spend hours of their lives worrying about nothing and everything? Who can look at themselves in the mirror and actually like what they see? Can you believe that there are people out there who don’t have dark voids in their chests that suck up any positive emotion that lingers too long?

I...

I can’t believe it. 

It seems like a myth. Like an impossible story. But if those people do exist...

Man, it really is a bummer. 

I wish I were like them.


End file.
